One of the best things about being in the medical field is that we get to see patients and take care of them. We get to make them feel better from a variety of causes. They may have an infection, a cut, depression, asthma, anxiety, etc. We can do something to help them... most of the time. Of course there are times where the only thing we can do is make them comfortable so that they are not in pain and distress. Sometimes, aside from treating their disease, patients just need someone to talk to.
There was one patient who unfortunately was morbidly obese with an abdominal hernia, skin graft, an ostomy (poop bag), and 4 other tube drains coming out of her. There wasn't much I can do when I rounded in the mornings except talk to her and check her drain outputs and vitals. I talked each morning with her for a bout a week until we decided we had to get her into the OR to see if we can fix some possible infection with her bladder. When I finally met the family before the operation, the patient told them I had been taking great care of her because I would come in every morning to make sure she was okay. I told her and her family I would be there throughout the operation, which I was. After the operation, I was able to follow her for another week and we were able to remove all the drains, except her ostomy. However, since we had to get into her abdomen, we had to cut through her skin graft which she was so proud of how it had healed.
One of the interesting conversations we had was when we removed all the tubes from her, we joked about how she was finally "becoming human" again. For a long time, she had been bed-ridden in the hospital with doctors and nurses just coming in and out to check up on her, look at drains, monitor vitals, and draw blood. Slowly but surely, we were able to discharge her to a rehab center where I hoped she would improve. I wished her the best of luck and to keep working hard because even though she had so many medical problems, she had an amazing outlook. Each morning, she fought through pain and discomfort to say, "We are taking things one day at a time. I probably should have been dead by now, but I'm still here. Let's get this solved and move on to the next step." Unfortunately, I actually saw this week that she had returned to the hospital. I don't know why as I was not present when she arrived to the ER, but I hope she's in good hands.
The comment about becoming human struck a cord with me. We all know patients are people too, but sometimes a hospital can be a very scary place. It can be a dehumanizing place. You can be feeling your worst--at your most vulnerable--and be all alone. What if no family or friends visit? All you have is the medical students, residents, and nurses who pop in for a few minutes to make sure you are okay, but not much else? On top of that, you have an IV tethering you to a pole, a foley because you can't get up to urinate on your own, an ostomy because you had a serious GI problem, drains to clear out fluids, and a nasal cannula so you can get oxygen. I have never been hospitalized so I have never been in that situation, but I can't imagine what it does to a person's sense of self. To their soul, seeing their bodies broken down so much.
In movies and tv shows, they don't show that if you get shot or stabbed, especially in the abdomen, chances are you will end up in the hospital for a few weeks with and have an ostomy for at least 3-6 months. Why, because it isn't heroic. Maybe they'll end up in a wheelchair and crutches which may make them tragic, or they will recover in a testament of willpower and faith. No one wants to see someone with a bag of urine taped to their leg, or an ostomy leaking stool. The image of a person in a hospital bed portrays a sense of weakness (even if they may be the most couragest of people), disease, and a fear of death.
There was another patient I had, a little old lady who was a pleasure to talk to in the mornings when I was on surgery. She was doing well but I had to keep visiting her to change an open wound she had on her abdomen so it could heal properly. However, one afternoon, I was walking by to make sure she was okay when I realized she had to change her dressing. I then noticed that the patient in the next bed was arguing with the nurse because the two patients were getting annoyed with each other. My patient was positioned by the door and felt claustrophobic so she wanted the curtain to be moved so she can see outside the window. The other patient wanted her privacy. The nurse tried to play mediator but in a horrible way. The other patient began yelling at the nurse saying that my patient was disrespectful, and that her and her husband were mean and should move out of the room. All this was said with a curtain in between, as if my patient couldn't hear through a piece of cloth. And as I was changing my patients dressing, she started to cry and told me that all she wanted was to see the window. I tried to comfort her and the nurse said she would look into separating the patients.My patient then turned to me and wished me the best of luck. She said how she believed I would be a great physician because I took the time out to talk to her everyday and check up on her to make sure she was okay. She said she felt that I actually cared for her. It's important to be able to be there for your patients in a way that they feel as if they have someone they can talk to, someone they can open up. I think it improves their experience in a hospital.
Today, I had a patient who was this older gentleman with urinary retention for 2 days. He was also great to talk to, and we made a few jokes and laughed, but I decided to keep our little talk short because I knew he was in a lot of discomfort and unfortunately would need a foley catheter to empty his bladder. I checked up on him a couple times to make sure he was okay and he felt much better. At the end of his stay in the ER, he shouted out for me and wanted to thank me for helping him feel better.
It's a great feeling to meet new people everyday and help them in someway. Obviously in the ER, we are treating very acute illnesses, trauma, or life-threatening things, but it's also important to be there for the patient emotionally. There have been multiple times when I would stay a few minutes longer with a patient because she just had to divulge her story to me. It may not even be relevant to her treatment, but she just had to talk about her job, or he had to talk about his family, or they talked about a trip they did.
The rapport between a healthcare worker and the patient builds a sense of trust and comfort that can make being in a hospital tolerable. No one feels good when they are sick or are in pain, and so it's worth spending a few extra moments to hear them out. That is why I hope to to try for each of my patients to:
1. Make them smile or laugh once a day
2. Learn something about them outside of their disease
3. Make sure they have what they need such as a pillow, blanket, cup of water, etc.
I want to learn and work hard so that I can take care of my patients to the best of my ability, but I hope to always remember that my patients are more than just the disease. They are still people with feelings and fears. They are people who at the present time are vulnerable and weak. And if I can, I don't see why I can't help calm those fears and provide them support.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Nights on the Path of Broken Hearts
The nightfall breaks with the call of the dead
Leaving me here tortured in my bed.
The thought of you has intoxicated my dear head
Leaving me here blinded by my tears
Under moonlight, escaping and hiding from all of my fears.
Just remember who held your hand through your darkest years.
Your voice, its melody would drown all my noise
I'd stay afloat on clouds of luscious flowers
Thinking of the long hours before I can hear you again.
I love you now still, just as I did back then.
But now I'm lost and I need to know
When did all this change? Just tell me exactly when.
Your footprints in my heart have messed me up
I can't even look in your eyes and ask, "What's up?"
It feels like my heart's about to burst
When I feel you in the nearing air.
That golden shine that flows from your hair
Melts my pain back to a smile
And I take it for all its worth
Even knowing the feeling will only last a short while.
Can't you see the blood running down?
Down from my dark eyes to my lips
Bringing backs memories of country trips
Days when your smile seemed so real
When you could touch my heart and know what I would feel
But it's all gone now
It went by so fast I keep thinking wow.
You kept my heart and I'm asking for it back.
Take the razor
Slice my wrist or,
Cut my throat, drown my face
Leave nothing behind but a single trace.
A way to find you holding me
Give me my heart, it’s longoverdue.
Bury me alive with the words
"I'll never stop loving you."
3/26/04
Leaving me here tortured in my bed.
The thought of you has intoxicated my dear head
Leaving me here blinded by my tears
Under moonlight, escaping and hiding from all of my fears.
Just remember who held your hand through your darkest years.
Your voice, its melody would drown all my noise
I'd stay afloat on clouds of luscious flowers
Thinking of the long hours before I can hear you again.
I love you now still, just as I did back then.
But now I'm lost and I need to know
When did all this change? Just tell me exactly when.
Your footprints in my heart have messed me up
I can't even look in your eyes and ask, "What's up?"
It feels like my heart's about to burst
When I feel you in the nearing air.
That golden shine that flows from your hair
Melts my pain back to a smile
And I take it for all its worth
Even knowing the feeling will only last a short while.
Can't you see the blood running down?
Down from my dark eyes to my lips
Bringing backs memories of country trips
Days when your smile seemed so real
When you could touch my heart and know what I would feel
But it's all gone now
It went by so fast I keep thinking wow.
You kept my heart and I'm asking for it back.
Take the razor
Slice my wrist or,
Cut my throat, drown my face
Leave nothing behind but a single trace.
A way to find you holding me
Give me my heart, it’s longoverdue.
Bury me alive with the words
"I'll never stop loving you."
3/26/04
Monday, September 12, 2011
Ay Nina
Ay niña linda, no te me vayas
Quiero que sepas que tu eres mi talla.
Ay niña linda, me gustan tus besos
Quiero que nunca de mi estés lejos.
Ay niña bonita, dulce princesa
Tus labios tan suave, ay que riqueza.
Ay niña bonita, mi alegría
Te necesito a mi lado, todo el día.
Deseo la ternura de tu piel.
Besarte una vez, hasta cien.
Que nuestras almas griten de pasión
Porque sin ti, mi vida no tiene razón.
Ay niña linda, quédate conmigo
Por que sin tu amor, yo estoy ciego.
Ay niña linda, venga conmigo
Estaremos juntos, hasta el fin del siglo.
4/11
Quiero que sepas que tu eres mi talla.
Ay niña linda, me gustan tus besos
Quiero que nunca de mi estés lejos.
Ay niña bonita, dulce princesa
Tus labios tan suave, ay que riqueza.
Ay niña bonita, mi alegría
Te necesito a mi lado, todo el día.
Deseo la ternura de tu piel.
Besarte una vez, hasta cien.
Que nuestras almas griten de pasión
Porque sin ti, mi vida no tiene razón.
Ay niña linda, quédate conmigo
Por que sin tu amor, yo estoy ciego.
Ay niña linda, venga conmigo
Estaremos juntos, hasta el fin del siglo.
4/11
Saturday, August 20, 2011
My Mind, Body, and Soul
“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” - C.S. Lewis
According to the Bible, we are souls with a physical body. In it's basic sense, the word "soul" means "life" yet yet it can be so much more. It IS us. It represents that feeling of "me" that has always existed even before we "discovered" who we are through the craziness of adolescence and college. And while our souls are attached to a physical body, it is not determined by that body. Yes, our view/ self-image/ perception of ourselves is influenced by the physical world around us, our soul still represents that unique individuality of who we are. We are who we are, individuals, separate and different from anyone who has ever been and ever will be. You are you and I am me. We are filled with personal memories and emotions, ideas and dreams, and just as our bodies are different (unless you're a twin or killer clone), our souls are different (even a clone's... I think.)
“What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands” - C.S. Lewis
Depending on who you ask, when we die, one of three things happen to us:
1. Our souls leave our bodies and reach the afterlife. As we are souls, we can recognize each other at the big party in the clouds, right next to the Bacon and Martini bar.
2. Our souls are recycled and given to a new environmentally-friendly body: a baby, which unfortunately has has no stored memories so we forget who we were. We start over though we don't know it, unless you believe you can access your past lives.
3. Our souls disappear when we die, because it is a formation of an active brain. Once the brain dies, we die through and through.
Perhaps, fear of the idea that "we" will no longer be alive and experience life that has helped propel the idea of reincarnation. We are scared to realize the fact that once our bodies die and our soul moves on, "we" will never experience being alive again and facing the wonders and tragedies of this world. To know what it felt like to have the warm sun on your skin, or taste a delicious burger, or relax to music. So, some of us grasp onto the possibility that "we" come back, even if we don't remember ever being alive. But at least, we get to enjoy life again.
Imagine playing a game for 80 years and then you died and your only voice-, retinal-, and soul-activated controller was destroyed so badly you could never play again. Instead, you had to sit back on a couch with people who also died and just watch other players enjoy the game. And, as wonderfully comfortable as that couch may be (it's made of clouds), you know you will never play again. Will never get that joy of getting to the next stage (kissing first girlfriend, graduating college, getting married, etc) or leveling up (having sex with said girlfriend, getting a six-pack or keg, buying a maserati, etc). You can just watch, maybe give advice and look out for the people still playing. Unless you don't believe in couches, in which case, maybe you get another controller to try again. Or you don't believe in couches or controllers, and once your character dies, that's that.
But why am I talking about souls? For the last 4 weeks I have been doing a rotation in Psychiatry down at Trenton. I have been seeing patients with all manners of mental illnesses. From people who have repeatedly tried to take their own lives to someone who thought he was transforming into the Hulk. From someone so paranoid he wanted to install cameras in every room of his house to someone who thought she was sleeping with Obama. This made me realize how much we take for granted our own sanity and our connection with reality. The simple act of just seeing the world for how it is, is lost on these patients. They cannot control hearing voices or seeing things. They cannot control waking up feeling hopeless or utterly alone. They cannot go to a supermarket without paralyzing fear. They cannot maintain friendships, let alone jobs. And then, there are patients who can no longer remember who they are. They have no recollection of their past, their friends, even their name.
How scary is it to lose control over our own emotions? To lose touch with reality? To lose ourselves?
Out of those three, as a young person, I am most terrified of losing myself. Especially considering that one-fifth of people in their 80's have dementia. There's a significant chance that it can happen to any one of us. Our emotions can be fragile with depression and anxiety, but luckily there are medications and therapy that can help that. Our minds can be unhinged (even without legilimency) and that is extremely scary. It is difficult trying to live your life while truly believing the CIA is after you, or that your thoughts are being stolen from your brain. That your spouse is cheating on you, or that everyone you love has been replaced by aliens. Medications and therapy may help, and I would never wish this on anyone, but for some reason, I'm still more scared losing who I am.
"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” - Oscar Wilde
We are who we are because of our experiences. Everything we have learned and done in our lives. Every memory we have, every laugh we have shared, every tear we have shed, every dream we have wished, and every choice we regret. We are given a soul, a unique and individual force, that we may (depending on who you ask) use as we wish to experience this gift of Life. Our soul is who we are and it adapts as our views on ourselves and the world changes. We enrich our souls by being kind to one another. By being active and doing good deeds. By praying and mediating, loving and laughing, forgiving and repenting, learning and creating. I believe the soul expresses itself powerfully when we create art, be it music, stories, statues, or architecture. Geoffrey Latham says "music is the vernacular of the soul" with Rabindranath Tagore adding that "music fills the infinite between souls." Henry Ward Beecher believes “every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.”
Our soul is filled with our own true possessions and that when we share them with the world through art, people are astounded. I believe that is why music is so powerful, paintings sell for millions, and books are read for thousands of years. These artists share their souls with us and we connect with them. It stirs emotions and memories inside of us. We are all different souls, but (if you believe it) all come from one source, and thus we are kindred souls. And even moreso, we are gifted with kindred spirits. The spirit is the part of us that is immortal because it is a part of God or a universal force much greater than us that has been here since the beginning, creating the universe itself. It is our connection to that force. There are universal ideals and concepts that ring true to all of us, no matter who we are or where we are because they emanate from that force, and because of our minds, we can understand and express them. And because of our kindred souls and spirits, we are connected to each other and these ideas, and to this force that is both around us and contained within us. This is why people across all the world know of love, friendship, honor, trust, and hatred. Perhaps because of this ability to connect with others, that we on a very deep level, can discover true love and soulmates.
But what happens when we can no longer share our soul? When our brain in all its neurosciencey glory fails us?
“There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” - Arnold Bennett
“Wisdom is to the soul what health is to the body” - De Saint-Real
Dementia is a disease of the brain where a person deteriorates. They lose their memories and past. They lose their cognition, their ability to think and act. They slowly break down body and mind. Most of them at first, can be completely conscious and coherent. Educated people can hide their problem longer because they can improvise and have a deep well of knowledge. They may be able to take care of themselves and do math problems, but ask them about themselves, and they are lost. Can you imagine living your life not knowing you are you? Just living, pretending things are okay because you don't know they are not, until someone asks what you had for breakfast and you can't remember. So, you fake it and answer the Big Steak Omelet from IHOP. Without a working body and mind, we can't express ourselves through thought, emotion, or action. We can't express our souls.
What happens to us? What happens to our feeling of "me?" What happens to our soul? We can say that nothing happens, because we are still alive, and we are the same person even if we don't remember it. Or maybe something happens. Our soul is given a reprieve and is allowed to move on, leaving behind a body that is just living. The person is just an empty vessel. The husband will say "She's no longer my wife. She's not there. She's just a woman, but I still love her and can't leave her." Or perhaps the soul is stuck, suffering in a body that is dying. Perhaps there is a miracle where the soul breaks through and the person has a shimmer of recognition when they see a friend's face. Or they come back for just a few moments (The Notebook) to talk with their loved ones. Or they laugh, just for a second, as the soul grasps at straws, as "laughter is the spark of the soul."
Who knows? It makes me upset that as we age, life plays a great joke on us. As we age, we gain confidence, power and wealth. We find love and build a family. We work hard for a good life. But when all is said and done, we have retired and sent the kids off to college and our ready to enjoy the fruits of our labor, our bodies and minds decay. Just when we finally had time and money to travel the world, go fishing, or get into bingo, those unfortunate are stricken with illness of the body and mind, and perhaps, hopefully not, our soul.
Maybe we can find comfort, for those who believe, that we are souls and have thus nurtured our souls with our lives, and even in the face of losing one's mind and body, we are not lost. We may no longer be able to express it at the time of our death, but hopefully it is strong enough, that when we pass onto the afterlife, our loved ones can recognize us at baggage claim before passing by the Margarita Fountains over on Cloud 5.
Or you'll find comfort that your soul comes back in a new body, and through dreams you remember, even if it's just for a moment, of who you once were.
Or you hope that you have lived a happy and fulfilled life because you don't believe in any of this nonsense, because all good things come to an end.
*if none of this makes sense, it's okay. That's why you should never expect to win a debate on the logistics of God, the soul, the spirit, free will, and His plan. Our minds are not quite there yet, probably b/c we're too preoccupied looking out for the FBI.
According to the Bible, we are souls with a physical body. In it's basic sense, the word "soul" means "life" yet yet it can be so much more. It IS us. It represents that feeling of "me" that has always existed even before we "discovered" who we are through the craziness of adolescence and college. And while our souls are attached to a physical body, it is not determined by that body. Yes, our view/ self-image/ perception of ourselves is influenced by the physical world around us, our soul still represents that unique individuality of who we are. We are who we are, individuals, separate and different from anyone who has ever been and ever will be. You are you and I am me. We are filled with personal memories and emotions, ideas and dreams, and just as our bodies are different (unless you're a twin or killer clone), our souls are different (even a clone's... I think.)
“What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands” - C.S. Lewis
Depending on who you ask, when we die, one of three things happen to us:
1. Our souls leave our bodies and reach the afterlife. As we are souls, we can recognize each other at the big party in the clouds, right next to the Bacon and Martini bar.
2. Our souls are recycled and given to a new environmentally-friendly body: a baby, which unfortunately has has no stored memories so we forget who we were. We start over though we don't know it, unless you believe you can access your past lives.
3. Our souls disappear when we die, because it is a formation of an active brain. Once the brain dies, we die through and through.
Perhaps, fear of the idea that "we" will no longer be alive and experience life that has helped propel the idea of reincarnation. We are scared to realize the fact that once our bodies die and our soul moves on, "we" will never experience being alive again and facing the wonders and tragedies of this world. To know what it felt like to have the warm sun on your skin, or taste a delicious burger, or relax to music. So, some of us grasp onto the possibility that "we" come back, even if we don't remember ever being alive. But at least, we get to enjoy life again.
Imagine playing a game for 80 years and then you died and your only voice-, retinal-, and soul-activated controller was destroyed so badly you could never play again. Instead, you had to sit back on a couch with people who also died and just watch other players enjoy the game. And, as wonderfully comfortable as that couch may be (it's made of clouds), you know you will never play again. Will never get that joy of getting to the next stage (kissing first girlfriend, graduating college, getting married, etc) or leveling up (having sex with said girlfriend, getting a six-pack or keg, buying a maserati, etc). You can just watch, maybe give advice and look out for the people still playing. Unless you don't believe in couches, in which case, maybe you get another controller to try again. Or you don't believe in couches or controllers, and once your character dies, that's that.
But why am I talking about souls? For the last 4 weeks I have been doing a rotation in Psychiatry down at Trenton. I have been seeing patients with all manners of mental illnesses. From people who have repeatedly tried to take their own lives to someone who thought he was transforming into the Hulk. From someone so paranoid he wanted to install cameras in every room of his house to someone who thought she was sleeping with Obama. This made me realize how much we take for granted our own sanity and our connection with reality. The simple act of just seeing the world for how it is, is lost on these patients. They cannot control hearing voices or seeing things. They cannot control waking up feeling hopeless or utterly alone. They cannot go to a supermarket without paralyzing fear. They cannot maintain friendships, let alone jobs. And then, there are patients who can no longer remember who they are. They have no recollection of their past, their friends, even their name.
How scary is it to lose control over our own emotions? To lose touch with reality? To lose ourselves?
Out of those three, as a young person, I am most terrified of losing myself. Especially considering that one-fifth of people in their 80's have dementia. There's a significant chance that it can happen to any one of us. Our emotions can be fragile with depression and anxiety, but luckily there are medications and therapy that can help that. Our minds can be unhinged (even without legilimency) and that is extremely scary. It is difficult trying to live your life while truly believing the CIA is after you, or that your thoughts are being stolen from your brain. That your spouse is cheating on you, or that everyone you love has been replaced by aliens. Medications and therapy may help, and I would never wish this on anyone, but for some reason, I'm still more scared losing who I am.
"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” - Oscar Wilde
We are who we are because of our experiences. Everything we have learned and done in our lives. Every memory we have, every laugh we have shared, every tear we have shed, every dream we have wished, and every choice we regret. We are given a soul, a unique and individual force, that we may (depending on who you ask) use as we wish to experience this gift of Life. Our soul is who we are and it adapts as our views on ourselves and the world changes. We enrich our souls by being kind to one another. By being active and doing good deeds. By praying and mediating, loving and laughing, forgiving and repenting, learning and creating. I believe the soul expresses itself powerfully when we create art, be it music, stories, statues, or architecture. Geoffrey Latham says "music is the vernacular of the soul" with Rabindranath Tagore adding that "music fills the infinite between souls." Henry Ward Beecher believes “every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.”
Our soul is filled with our own true possessions and that when we share them with the world through art, people are astounded. I believe that is why music is so powerful, paintings sell for millions, and books are read for thousands of years. These artists share their souls with us and we connect with them. It stirs emotions and memories inside of us. We are all different souls, but (if you believe it) all come from one source, and thus we are kindred souls. And even moreso, we are gifted with kindred spirits. The spirit is the part of us that is immortal because it is a part of God or a universal force much greater than us that has been here since the beginning, creating the universe itself. It is our connection to that force. There are universal ideals and concepts that ring true to all of us, no matter who we are or where we are because they emanate from that force, and because of our minds, we can understand and express them. And because of our kindred souls and spirits, we are connected to each other and these ideas, and to this force that is both around us and contained within us. This is why people across all the world know of love, friendship, honor, trust, and hatred. Perhaps because of this ability to connect with others, that we on a very deep level, can discover true love and soulmates.
But what happens when we can no longer share our soul? When our brain in all its neurosciencey glory fails us?
“There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” - Arnold Bennett
“Wisdom is to the soul what health is to the body” - De Saint-Real
Dementia is a disease of the brain where a person deteriorates. They lose their memories and past. They lose their cognition, their ability to think and act. They slowly break down body and mind. Most of them at first, can be completely conscious and coherent. Educated people can hide their problem longer because they can improvise and have a deep well of knowledge. They may be able to take care of themselves and do math problems, but ask them about themselves, and they are lost. Can you imagine living your life not knowing you are you? Just living, pretending things are okay because you don't know they are not, until someone asks what you had for breakfast and you can't remember. So, you fake it and answer the Big Steak Omelet from IHOP. Without a working body and mind, we can't express ourselves through thought, emotion, or action. We can't express our souls.
What happens to us? What happens to our feeling of "me?" What happens to our soul? We can say that nothing happens, because we are still alive, and we are the same person even if we don't remember it. Or maybe something happens. Our soul is given a reprieve and is allowed to move on, leaving behind a body that is just living. The person is just an empty vessel. The husband will say "She's no longer my wife. She's not there. She's just a woman, but I still love her and can't leave her." Or perhaps the soul is stuck, suffering in a body that is dying. Perhaps there is a miracle where the soul breaks through and the person has a shimmer of recognition when they see a friend's face. Or they come back for just a few moments (The Notebook) to talk with their loved ones. Or they laugh, just for a second, as the soul grasps at straws, as "laughter is the spark of the soul."
Who knows? It makes me upset that as we age, life plays a great joke on us. As we age, we gain confidence, power and wealth. We find love and build a family. We work hard for a good life. But when all is said and done, we have retired and sent the kids off to college and our ready to enjoy the fruits of our labor, our bodies and minds decay. Just when we finally had time and money to travel the world, go fishing, or get into bingo, those unfortunate are stricken with illness of the body and mind, and perhaps, hopefully not, our soul.
Maybe we can find comfort, for those who believe, that we are souls and have thus nurtured our souls with our lives, and even in the face of losing one's mind and body, we are not lost. We may no longer be able to express it at the time of our death, but hopefully it is strong enough, that when we pass onto the afterlife, our loved ones can recognize us at baggage claim before passing by the Margarita Fountains over on Cloud 5.
Or you'll find comfort that your soul comes back in a new body, and through dreams you remember, even if it's just for a moment, of who you once were.
Or you hope that you have lived a happy and fulfilled life because you don't believe in any of this nonsense, because all good things come to an end.
*if none of this makes sense, it's okay. That's why you should never expect to win a debate on the logistics of God, the soul, the spirit, free will, and His plan. Our minds are not quite there yet, probably b/c we're too preoccupied looking out for the FBI.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
My Double Standard
"It's a common double standared of society: They guy gets all the glory the more he can score, while the girl can do the same, but yet you call her a whore." Yes, Lil' Kim, we do applaud the guys who have game and get laid, and look down on girls who fuck too many guys as walking.
We have this double standard. But, why?
Well, it's because of the traditional rules and expectations of our whole dating-relationship world. As guys, we are expected to to have "game" and pick up women. One of the first things that's commented on about a guy is if he can get girls. Guys and girls both make judgements on guys based on this ability which causes a social pressure on guys to be successful at picking up women. It's a positive if he's good at it. And even though there are more women to men in the world, guys have to compete in order to draw the attention of the prettier sex. Across all species of animals, the females want the alpha male of the group--the one who's the strongest, smartest or fastest and who can provide the best genes and protection for the family. Fortunately, we don't have to ram our skulls or fight to the death to prove he's better. But like in many bird species, we do have to flaunt ourselves to attract females. We can sing, dance, or even build a little nest. But the problem competition is that there are winners who are getting blowjobs, and losers who are jerking off.
Who are our winners? These are the guys that for some magical ability can just get girls. They either have the looks (which works perfect for one-night stands), the personality (which can be far superior to looks for most women), or both in which case don't try to compete cause he's a walking panty-dropper. And for the most part, these guys have "game." And what is that exactly? Is it just being able to get laid a lot? Because really, anyone can find someone to have sex with. Or is it being able to frequently attract women of caliber on all levels because of who you are, and not just what you look like. There's plenty of jacked up guys out there who get laid just because they look good. It has nothing to do with who they are so they capitalize on this by going to the gym all the time and buying new button downs or skin-tight bedazzled shirts which unfortunately makes them all look the same. It's their only in for when a girl is just looking to have sex with a guy who has a nice body. Any one of these guys can satisfy a girls need for a one night stand and be "Djais Hot Guy" on her phone. I mean, look at The Situation, would he have to be showing his abs to every girl in the club if he could just normally talk to them and get laid... probably not, we've all seen what a creep he is.
I don't think a lot of guys even understand what having game is. It's not just one aspect of who you are like looks, but the ability to convey your most interesting and fun qualities in order to engage a woman on multiple levels, especially sexual. Because without the sex, you don't have game, you're just a friend. Some girls I feel like may not even know what it is when they see it until it's too late. I've had girls before ask me "Do you have game? Let me see you flirt with me" as if I have canned responses to compliment your or make you laugh. Now to some guys, this is just natural. They are genuinely fun guys who just talk to women... make them laugh and have a good time... and before you know it, she's another notch on his bedpost. They may not even be classically good looking but they pull in pussy because they are truly confident and funny which are huge alpha-male qualities in any woman's book. They have game. A guy who just stands there and looks pretty doesn't. You'd be suprised to see how self-conscious people who are very attractive are. Yeah, they come off cocky and all, but man, make a comment about them getting a little soft around the belly and see what happens.
And like I said, we have losers. These may be the guys who are always in the Let's Just Be Friends Zone, or who don't even try to hook up with girls because they don't think they can. These are the guys who when they get lucky, it's because they were actually lucky. They are the nice guys who for some reason girls can't seem to find when they complain to them about there not being nice guys as they cry over their jerk boyfriends. These guys just don't know how to talk to women on a sexual level, or even at all. This is why there is a huge community of pick-up artists and web forums and live seminars and training sessions focused on teaching guys to meet women. Many guys want to learn how to attract women because they don't know how. They are scared and intimidated of women they see as potential sex objects, because the pussy's on a pedestal. These guys just want to better themselves and their love lives, but these communities are looked down upon as being sleazy and deceitful because they have things like backhanded comments, opening lines, and canned routines. However, these are all just "tools" to get a guy's foot in the door in order to engage a women and attract her. It is a way to learn how to rid themselves of the fear of rejection from women, to build their self-confidence, and learn to portray their true selves in a way that a woman would find them interesting and attractive. How is this any better than a former fatty now sporting an 11-1/2 pack? He's using dumbells to look better, these guys are just learning how to talk to women, how to make them laugh. If however, they are lying and actually decieving women, that's sleazy.
But why have I been talking about all this, because it just shows the pressure there is on guys to try and get involved with women. Almost everything we do is catered to impress women. For most guys, this may mean going to the gym and buying a fancy button down with expensive sunglasses to wear in dark night clubs. Why? Because this gives off the impression that they are strong (able to protect you and fuck you hard), wealthy, and won't realize how ugly you are. Kidding. But no, really. Other guys have parties and make sure their fridges are stocked with alcohol because it's easier to hit on girls when they are drunk. Or they foolishly buy women drinks as an ice breaker. We put on our best clothes, dance moves, and obnoxious-cocky attitudes in front of women so we can attract them. Women don't do that. Women dress the way they do to feel sexy and good about themselves and to impress other women, cause women talk. A lot. About everything. But we do it for them so that they like us, and hopefully like us enough to touch our peepee.
And if we are successful, a woman can choose to give us her phone number, or choose to go out on a date with us, or choose to come with us to have sex. And with our preconceived notion that as guys we need game to pick up girls, once we have, we have validated ourselves as men. Just like I said before, guys are commented on the quantity and quality of girls he gets. The more hot girls he gets, the cooler he is, because there is obviously something about him that is allowing him to be chosen by these women. The more one-night stands a guy has with less attractive girls, then the more he's seen as a guy who's just a horndog and wants to get it in. And if he has low numbers, well then he's probably not good with women, doesn't have game and is kind of a loser. So as guys, we talk about who got laid the night before. If our buddies went out to party one night or went away on vacation, one of our immediate questions is: "Did you hook up with anyone? No one? Not even a stripper?" I've known guys in college who's goal it was to bed one new girl a month. I've known other guys who would make a list of girls they wanted to fuck. And I also knew a group of guys who all went to different spring break locations, but would tally up points depending on how far they got with women. We make ourselves feel better with an ever increasing number of girls. It's in our vocabulary, "He scored. He got lucky." Aside from sloppy hook ups, it means "Hey, I'm actually NOT that bad lucking cause I just had sex with her. I can get girls." Guys even congratulate each other on pulling in a 9, or scoring a threesome, or being cool enough to have a girl just come over to sex you up and leave.
Why does it matter if we can, aside from the fact that we want to get laid (and/or find love)? Because for billions of years, it has fallen on the guys to ask girls out, pay for dinner, buy her drinks, make the first move, fuck her doggystyle, and lastly PROPOSE to her, and if we don't do these things, we feel like less of a man. Are we? No. And even though it's 2011, some girls won't make the first move, won't ask a guy out, and still expect guys to buy them drinks. Let's face it, for the most part, guys have to propose to women. After all the work we did to put our little snakes in your pleasure garden, we have to buy an expensive ring, get on one knee, and profess some unconditional, undying love to you before asking if you will marry us. Will you be my wife? Will you choose me for the rest of your life?
Regardless of the many gender roles in society and individual relationships (Anyone looking for a stay-at-home dad, please inquire within)... when it comes down to it, in the broadest sense, woman have the power. Guys go creepin' at bars and clubs for women to sleep with or date (in which case we should probably go elsewhere, like yoga). We have to approach you and be confident, funny, charming, and decent looking so you don't immediately reject us or take our free drink. Then if you so happen to smile and indulge us with conversation, we have to fight off your 300 Spartan girlfriends who look at us like we crawled out of Satan's asshole. Then, once we have won them over or sent our drunken wingmen after them or strategically pulled you out onto the dance floor, we still have to butter you up because unfortunately, your pussy is attached to you, and we can't have sex with it, unless you like us. So we ask you for your number and make plans for a date, or if we're feeling lucky invite you back to our place to watch this REALLY funny youtube clip.
So with all this pressure that guys have to be the ones to get girls to be validated (it can get so bad, you can actually feel bad when you go out and don't hook up), and the fact that we have to win women over (aside from the ocassional "I just want to get Drunk and Bang tonight!" scenario) makes this whole double standard come to light.
Of course guys are gonna be looked highly on if they are able to pull in quality tail, and lots of it. (Not unless he's only creeping on chicks that are wasted or lies to girls). And of course we are gonna call girls whores who just give it up to any guy. I'm not saying it's right. I don't agree with it. Girls love sex just as much as guys do and they want sex just as much as we want it. But when we have evolutionary biology and a culture so established in these rules of who is courting who, we're gonna get labels to those who deviate. Women are biologically understood to have a high cost for sex. They only have a certain number of eggs whose quality diminishes over time, and they are the ones who get pregnant and give birth to a child. Even if they abort, they have just spent weeks to months dealting with the consequences of having sex. So, biologically, they should be conservative with whom they have sex with. This is why they are attracted to the alpha male--to the one who will be worth all the trouble. Luckily, we have contraception, so women can enjoy sex as much as we do with whom they choose.
Guys on the other hand, do not have to biologically invest that much in the repercussions of sex. We make millions of sperm a day ready to be ejaculated into all different women, condoms, and tube socks. If a girl so happens to get knocked up, one would say it's our moral obligation to be there, but in reality, our job in the whole process was only 10 minutes if that. And even then, we'll take that bitch to Maury and say it is not my child!
So with all that in mind, guys are here going to the gym, learning how to play guitar, buying dinners and fancy cars all in an effort to up their game up and attractiveness so they can get women. So they can get sex, so they can find a girlfriend, so they can propose and get a wife. It would seem then that a woman who just opens up her legs to anyone doesn't care much about herself because she's giving up what so many guys work for, so easily. She just wants some dick and wants it now.
Now is this true? Not necessarily. There are definitely girls out there with no sense of self worth who do this becasue they don't think they can attract guys. Do I think a girl should be sleepin around with everyone? No, just as guys really shouldn't either, but we all have our moments when we just want sex. And both parties can and should enjoy it when and with whom they want to. But the issue is really all a matter of perception and until we change this culture where the guys are courting girls, we're not gonna stop praising the guy who can do it well often, and we're not gonna stop looking down at the girl who doesn't even bother and just opens up.
We have this double standard. But, why?
Well, it's because of the traditional rules and expectations of our whole dating-relationship world. As guys, we are expected to to have "game" and pick up women. One of the first things that's commented on about a guy is if he can get girls. Guys and girls both make judgements on guys based on this ability which causes a social pressure on guys to be successful at picking up women. It's a positive if he's good at it. And even though there are more women to men in the world, guys have to compete in order to draw the attention of the prettier sex. Across all species of animals, the females want the alpha male of the group--the one who's the strongest, smartest or fastest and who can provide the best genes and protection for the family. Fortunately, we don't have to ram our skulls or fight to the death to prove he's better. But like in many bird species, we do have to flaunt ourselves to attract females. We can sing, dance, or even build a little nest. But the problem competition is that there are winners who are getting blowjobs, and losers who are jerking off.
Who are our winners? These are the guys that for some magical ability can just get girls. They either have the looks (which works perfect for one-night stands), the personality (which can be far superior to looks for most women), or both in which case don't try to compete cause he's a walking panty-dropper. And for the most part, these guys have "game." And what is that exactly? Is it just being able to get laid a lot? Because really, anyone can find someone to have sex with. Or is it being able to frequently attract women of caliber on all levels because of who you are, and not just what you look like. There's plenty of jacked up guys out there who get laid just because they look good. It has nothing to do with who they are so they capitalize on this by going to the gym all the time and buying new button downs or skin-tight bedazzled shirts which unfortunately makes them all look the same. It's their only in for when a girl is just looking to have sex with a guy who has a nice body. Any one of these guys can satisfy a girls need for a one night stand and be "Djais Hot Guy" on her phone. I mean, look at The Situation, would he have to be showing his abs to every girl in the club if he could just normally talk to them and get laid... probably not, we've all seen what a creep he is.
I don't think a lot of guys even understand what having game is. It's not just one aspect of who you are like looks, but the ability to convey your most interesting and fun qualities in order to engage a woman on multiple levels, especially sexual. Because without the sex, you don't have game, you're just a friend. Some girls I feel like may not even know what it is when they see it until it's too late. I've had girls before ask me "Do you have game? Let me see you flirt with me" as if I have canned responses to compliment your or make you laugh. Now to some guys, this is just natural. They are genuinely fun guys who just talk to women... make them laugh and have a good time... and before you know it, she's another notch on his bedpost. They may not even be classically good looking but they pull in pussy because they are truly confident and funny which are huge alpha-male qualities in any woman's book. They have game. A guy who just stands there and looks pretty doesn't. You'd be suprised to see how self-conscious people who are very attractive are. Yeah, they come off cocky and all, but man, make a comment about them getting a little soft around the belly and see what happens.
And like I said, we have losers. These may be the guys who are always in the Let's Just Be Friends Zone, or who don't even try to hook up with girls because they don't think they can. These are the guys who when they get lucky, it's because they were actually lucky. They are the nice guys who for some reason girls can't seem to find when they complain to them about there not being nice guys as they cry over their jerk boyfriends. These guys just don't know how to talk to women on a sexual level, or even at all. This is why there is a huge community of pick-up artists and web forums and live seminars and training sessions focused on teaching guys to meet women. Many guys want to learn how to attract women because they don't know how. They are scared and intimidated of women they see as potential sex objects, because the pussy's on a pedestal. These guys just want to better themselves and their love lives, but these communities are looked down upon as being sleazy and deceitful because they have things like backhanded comments, opening lines, and canned routines. However, these are all just "tools" to get a guy's foot in the door in order to engage a women and attract her. It is a way to learn how to rid themselves of the fear of rejection from women, to build their self-confidence, and learn to portray their true selves in a way that a woman would find them interesting and attractive. How is this any better than a former fatty now sporting an 11-1/2 pack? He's using dumbells to look better, these guys are just learning how to talk to women, how to make them laugh. If however, they are lying and actually decieving women, that's sleazy.
But why have I been talking about all this, because it just shows the pressure there is on guys to try and get involved with women. Almost everything we do is catered to impress women. For most guys, this may mean going to the gym and buying a fancy button down with expensive sunglasses to wear in dark night clubs. Why? Because this gives off the impression that they are strong (able to protect you and fuck you hard), wealthy, and won't realize how ugly you are. Kidding. But no, really. Other guys have parties and make sure their fridges are stocked with alcohol because it's easier to hit on girls when they are drunk. Or they foolishly buy women drinks as an ice breaker. We put on our best clothes, dance moves, and obnoxious-cocky attitudes in front of women so we can attract them. Women don't do that. Women dress the way they do to feel sexy and good about themselves and to impress other women, cause women talk. A lot. About everything. But we do it for them so that they like us, and hopefully like us enough to touch our peepee.
And if we are successful, a woman can choose to give us her phone number, or choose to go out on a date with us, or choose to come with us to have sex. And with our preconceived notion that as guys we need game to pick up girls, once we have, we have validated ourselves as men. Just like I said before, guys are commented on the quantity and quality of girls he gets. The more hot girls he gets, the cooler he is, because there is obviously something about him that is allowing him to be chosen by these women. The more one-night stands a guy has with less attractive girls, then the more he's seen as a guy who's just a horndog and wants to get it in. And if he has low numbers, well then he's probably not good with women, doesn't have game and is kind of a loser. So as guys, we talk about who got laid the night before. If our buddies went out to party one night or went away on vacation, one of our immediate questions is: "Did you hook up with anyone? No one? Not even a stripper?" I've known guys in college who's goal it was to bed one new girl a month. I've known other guys who would make a list of girls they wanted to fuck. And I also knew a group of guys who all went to different spring break locations, but would tally up points depending on how far they got with women. We make ourselves feel better with an ever increasing number of girls. It's in our vocabulary, "He scored. He got lucky." Aside from sloppy hook ups, it means "Hey, I'm actually NOT that bad lucking cause I just had sex with her. I can get girls." Guys even congratulate each other on pulling in a 9, or scoring a threesome, or being cool enough to have a girl just come over to sex you up and leave.
Why does it matter if we can, aside from the fact that we want to get laid (and/or find love)? Because for billions of years, it has fallen on the guys to ask girls out, pay for dinner, buy her drinks, make the first move, fuck her doggystyle, and lastly PROPOSE to her, and if we don't do these things, we feel like less of a man. Are we? No. And even though it's 2011, some girls won't make the first move, won't ask a guy out, and still expect guys to buy them drinks. Let's face it, for the most part, guys have to propose to women. After all the work we did to put our little snakes in your pleasure garden, we have to buy an expensive ring, get on one knee, and profess some unconditional, undying love to you before asking if you will marry us. Will you be my wife? Will you choose me for the rest of your life?
Regardless of the many gender roles in society and individual relationships (Anyone looking for a stay-at-home dad, please inquire within)... when it comes down to it, in the broadest sense, woman have the power. Guys go creepin' at bars and clubs for women to sleep with or date (in which case we should probably go elsewhere, like yoga). We have to approach you and be confident, funny, charming, and decent looking so you don't immediately reject us or take our free drink. Then if you so happen to smile and indulge us with conversation, we have to fight off your 300 Spartan girlfriends who look at us like we crawled out of Satan's asshole. Then, once we have won them over or sent our drunken wingmen after them or strategically pulled you out onto the dance floor, we still have to butter you up because unfortunately, your pussy is attached to you, and we can't have sex with it, unless you like us. So we ask you for your number and make plans for a date, or if we're feeling lucky invite you back to our place to watch this REALLY funny youtube clip.
So with all this pressure that guys have to be the ones to get girls to be validated (it can get so bad, you can actually feel bad when you go out and don't hook up), and the fact that we have to win women over (aside from the ocassional "I just want to get Drunk and Bang tonight!" scenario) makes this whole double standard come to light.
Of course guys are gonna be looked highly on if they are able to pull in quality tail, and lots of it. (Not unless he's only creeping on chicks that are wasted or lies to girls). And of course we are gonna call girls whores who just give it up to any guy. I'm not saying it's right. I don't agree with it. Girls love sex just as much as guys do and they want sex just as much as we want it. But when we have evolutionary biology and a culture so established in these rules of who is courting who, we're gonna get labels to those who deviate. Women are biologically understood to have a high cost for sex. They only have a certain number of eggs whose quality diminishes over time, and they are the ones who get pregnant and give birth to a child. Even if they abort, they have just spent weeks to months dealting with the consequences of having sex. So, biologically, they should be conservative with whom they have sex with. This is why they are attracted to the alpha male--to the one who will be worth all the trouble. Luckily, we have contraception, so women can enjoy sex as much as we do with whom they choose.
Guys on the other hand, do not have to biologically invest that much in the repercussions of sex. We make millions of sperm a day ready to be ejaculated into all different women, condoms, and tube socks. If a girl so happens to get knocked up, one would say it's our moral obligation to be there, but in reality, our job in the whole process was only 10 minutes if that. And even then, we'll take that bitch to Maury and say it is not my child!
So with all that in mind, guys are here going to the gym, learning how to play guitar, buying dinners and fancy cars all in an effort to up their game up and attractiveness so they can get women. So they can get sex, so they can find a girlfriend, so they can propose and get a wife. It would seem then that a woman who just opens up her legs to anyone doesn't care much about herself because she's giving up what so many guys work for, so easily. She just wants some dick and wants it now.
Now is this true? Not necessarily. There are definitely girls out there with no sense of self worth who do this becasue they don't think they can attract guys. Do I think a girl should be sleepin around with everyone? No, just as guys really shouldn't either, but we all have our moments when we just want sex. And both parties can and should enjoy it when and with whom they want to. But the issue is really all a matter of perception and until we change this culture where the guys are courting girls, we're not gonna stop praising the guy who can do it well often, and we're not gonna stop looking down at the girl who doesn't even bother and just opens up.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Return
I have been meaning to start writing things again, but just haven't gotten around to it.
I can't believe it's already been two years.
I have posted things on FB which I can just paste here.
Maybe I'll aim for at least 1 post a week.
I can't believe it's already been two years.
I have posted things on FB which I can just paste here.
Maybe I'll aim for at least 1 post a week.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Hospital / Their Deathbed
I've been on my surgery rotation for the last 7 weeks. One week from tomorrow I will be done with my first clerkship and that'll be sweet, sweet day as I can get my weekends back and get used to sleeping like a normal person.
The last 7 weeks have been pretty awesome. It took a lot to get used to waking up before 4 and prerounding on patients at like 430. Pre-rounding involves going around to check up on the patients and see how they did overnight. As students we have to do this on our assigned patient and be ready to present them to the residents during rounds. I would go to the hospital before and do a history and physical on patients, but it always felt staged even though the patient and setting was real. Now, I was writing notes, updating the residents, and advocating for my patients. I realized that even as a lowly, but yet incredibly funsational 3rd year student, I was part of the medical team. This is where it starts and as I keep getting older and even more wiser (as if that's possible), I move up the team ladder and gain more responsibility which is both an exciting and terrifying idea. Lives WILL be in my hands. But for now, granted my knowledge and skill set is limited, I still have the very important ability of communicating with people, especially patients. It also doesn't hurt that I can make people laugh. And of course, I'm capable of learning. It's why I pay tens of thousands of dollars a year to be at the hospital for 13 hours a day: to learn... and look good in scrubs
It is exciting to pick up a new skill or learning how to manage patients. What to do after this? After that? The first two years, we just learned and only applied our knowledge when it came to exams. Now we have to try and bring that all back to understand what is going on with the patients and why the physicians do what they do. And of course to allow us to answers when we get pimped. And even though we are here to learn I love being able to do things, even if they will be the most tedious things when I become an intern. But now I can put a foley catheter in females (haven't done males yet... ah sorry peepees of the world), suture incisions, change wound dressings, and place skin staples.
The last 7 weeks have been pretty awesome. It took a lot to get used to waking up before 4 and prerounding on patients at like 430. Pre-rounding involves going around to check up on the patients and see how they did overnight. As students we have to do this on our assigned patient and be ready to present them to the residents during rounds. I would go to the hospital before and do a history and physical on patients, but it always felt staged even though the patient and setting was real. Now, I was writing notes, updating the residents, and advocating for my patients. I realized that even as a lowly, but yet incredibly funsational 3rd year student, I was part of the medical team. This is where it starts and as I keep getting older and even more wiser (as if that's possible), I move up the team ladder and gain more responsibility which is both an exciting and terrifying idea. Lives WILL be in my hands. But for now, granted my knowledge and skill set is limited, I still have the very important ability of communicating with people, especially patients. It also doesn't hurt that I can make people laugh. And of course, I'm capable of learning. It's why I pay tens of thousands of dollars a year to be at the hospital for 13 hours a day: to learn... and look good in scrubs
It is exciting to pick up a new skill or learning how to manage patients. What to do after this? After that? The first two years, we just learned and only applied our knowledge when it came to exams. Now we have to try and bring that all back to understand what is going on with the patients and why the physicians do what they do. And of course to allow us to answers when we get pimped. And even though we are here to learn I love being able to do things, even if they will be the most tedious things when I become an intern. But now I can put a foley catheter in females (haven't done males yet... ah sorry peepees of the world), suture incisions, change wound dressings, and place skin staples.
But, I'm in surgery, which means, I get to be in the OR. Yes, I go to the operating room and get to scrub in and gown up. I had no idea how serious everyone is about being sterile. You touch something by mistake and you have three people yelling at you, which has happened a few times to me. But of course when it happens to the much older and experience staff, you can only laugh on the inside. There are even little "dances" i call them to getting gowned up and moving around the OR table. And yes, I'm right there at the table. How awesome is that? Mind you, I don't do anything major, but I help out. Retracting skin and cutting sutures isn't glamorous but hey, it's something. And when it comes down to it, I'm helping out the attending/resident/nurses, and making their job a little bit easier which makes the surgery go a bit smoother which is a plus for the patient. And it's ALL about the patient. But, as people trust you more, they let you do more. So I've had nurses asking me if I wanted to put in foleys, or residents allowing me to close wounds. And while being on your feet anywhere from 1 to 5, 6, 7, 8 hours is tough, I'm sure what I get to see is a lot more interesting than what most people see at their jobs ever. Unless you're a photography, cause that's kind of cool.
Though today, I saw a breast reduction. Why would anyone do that? My friends asked. That's like slapping God in the face, they yelled. Well, she had back problems. I mean, as great as those bags of sand can be, wearing a 42DDD bra is probably excessive. I just hope the next time I see some boobies I want to play with, my mind doesn't flashback to what I saw today...
As much as I enjoy being in the OR, perhaps it is not THE best part, soley because I feel like I'm in this field to help people, and so accomplishing that is the greatest reward.
Two things stick out in regards to that:
1. There is a patient I was following while on the Trauma surgery who had a gunshot wound and has been off and on with his health. I only followed him for two weeks and I was able to communicate with him the best because he spoke spanish, so I felt like I was able to help explain things to him and make him feel more comfortable. I even gave a small presentation to other classmates on his case. But what struck me as cool was that other students and interns would always let me know how he was doing even though I was no longer on the service or following him. I don't know how to describe it, but it was nice in a way. I should remember to stop by and say goodbye to him when I'm done with surgery.
2. A patient was gonna undergo surgery so in the waiting room the anesthesiologist was placing an IV. The patient was scared so I held her hand. She was nervous and apologizing for being such a baby about the needles and I kept reassuring her it was all okay. That it was normal that she was afraid of needles. I joked and told her it would be normal if she was excited about it. I went into the operation as well and then afterwards I checked up on her in the recovery room. She was panicking and asked if I could get the attending to talk to her, so I did. I checked up on her a few hours later and she smiled and looked more relaxed. She thanked me for being there for her in the morning and for checking up on her. That was nice.
The tough parts about surgery of course have been the schedule. It's not fun going into work at 4 am Saturday morning and seeing house parties still raging on and drunk people walking around. I was once driving to the hospital and saw a drunk guy stumbling down the street. He then fell onto a car, slid down, and fell asleep on the curb with his head on the car. He obviously had a good night. Even though I couldn't enjoy my summer too much, I'm happy I did surgery in the summer, because at least I got out while the sun was up. I can't imagine how it will be for people in the winter when it is dark at 4 pm. They won't ever see the sun unless they try and catch a glimpse of it through patient room windows. They'll be all pale and pasty like vampires, and not the sexy kind, cause I don't think they make black or leather scrubs.
Eating is also sometimes tough. Sometimes you can get lunch sometimes you can't. So I made it a point to always have at least 3-4 snacks in my pocket at all time, whether they be crackers, fruit snacks, or granola bars. They are key. Luckily, I got good at finding graham crackers and juice cups throughout the hospital to quell the hungry demon in my belly.
Oh, and one of my favorite things about the hospital is the on call room. Just think about it. It's just a bunch of rooms designated for napping. NAPPING. The 4th best activity after eating, drinking, and mating with other humans. It's also a godsend when you have to be at the hospital for at least 24 hours in a row. Those nights are rough, but if you're lucky, you're either so busy you can't be tired (until you're falling asleep writing notes and realize you have to rewrite the entire thing because it's all scribbles) or you can sleep a lot. And yes, I will try to have sexy time in the on call room at some point in my career.
So it's been fun on surgery, and I wonder what the other clerkships will bring. I will miss the OR but I will probably return to it when I'm doing OB/GYN. I am excited to deliver a baby.
BUTTT... why did I want to write this note? Because of something that happened today.During an operation today, a nurse walked in and told us about a patient in another room. It was a 2 year old baby who had fallen out a 2nd floor. It was obviously an emergency. She was brought to the hospital and they were having trouble stopping the bleeding. The nurse left and the mood of the entire room changed. The nurse came back about an hour later and informed us that the baby had died. They couldn't stop the bleeding. I noticed that the nurse had been crying before she walked into the room. And it made me think...
How many people come into the hospital knowing that they are going to die? How many parents bring their children in to die? Those parents had no idea that today was their last day with their child. A simple accident and it was all over. What will happen to that family? Will it destroy them? Will it bring them closer? Who knows.
And of course, people die in the hospital often. But no one wants it. Especially in a baby.
There are two patients I was seeing, who I learned from the residents, had only at most a few months to live. That they would probably not leave the hospital and would die here. Did these patients ever think when they were admitted that they weren't leaving? I doubt that they know now, but what about when their death is close. They came in feeling a little sick and that was it. And as I looked down at them, all I could think was, what would you do if you were just able to get out of here? You have the same amount of time, but you're not tied to this bed with all these tubes. And then I thought "I'm sorry, you'll never get out of here."
I guess patients go to a hospital to get better or to die. Sometimes they know they will die, which can be comforting in a way because you can settle your affairs while you wait. They are given time. Something that little baby and those parents didn't have. I think it's the time that makes the difference between a spiritual or type of release rather than a disaster. A patient who has been dying for months with cancer can finally rest after settling their affairs and seeing their family and friends. It could even be described as a beautiful experience if the patient is allowed to pass peacefully and surrounded by love. But of course we have on the other hand, death that comes out of nowhere and rips us apart when we lose someone.
Who knows how I will feel about death when it happens to a patient I'm directly caring for. Who I have responsibility for. Who I tried to fight death for and lost. I think my one fear was that a patient would die in the OR table while I was there. I have no idea how I'll react or how any of the staff will react. Here we were trying to save this patient's life and we couldn't. Could the operation have waited? Was it our fault? Was it inevitable? Again, who knows.
I guess it really comes down to the medical team trying to prolong a patients life or improve their quality of life for as short as it may be. Sometimes we can cure them and they can live for years. Or sometimes, we can make them feel better and let them have a few months more. But in the end, we are all powerless at one point to save the ones we love or ourselves.
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