My Mind, Body, and Soul

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” - C.S. Lewis

According to the Bible, we are souls with a physical body. In it's basic sense, the word "soul" means "life" yet yet it can be so much more. It IS us. It represents that feeling of "me" that has always existed even before we "discovered" who we are through the craziness of adolescence and college. And while our souls are attached to a physical body, it is not determined by that body. Yes, our view/ self-image/ perception of ourselves is influenced by the physical world around us, our soul still represents that unique individuality of who we are. We are who we are, individuals, separate and different from anyone who has ever been and ever will be. You are you and I am me. We are filled with personal memories and emotions, ideas and dreams, and just as our bodies are different (unless you're a twin or killer clone), our souls are different (even a clone's... I think.)

“What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands” - C.S. Lewis

Depending on who you ask, when we die, one of three things happen to us:
1. Our souls leave our bodies and reach the afterlife. As we are souls, we can recognize each other at the big party in the clouds, right next to the Bacon and Martini bar.

2. Our souls are recycled and given to a new environmentally-friendly body: a baby, which unfortunately has has no stored memories so we forget who we were. We start over though we don't know it, unless you believe you can access your past lives.
3. Our souls disappear when we die, because it is a formation of an active brain. Once the brain dies, we die through and through.

Perhaps, fear of the idea that "we" will no longer be alive and experience life that has helped propel the idea of reincarnation. We are scared to realize the fact that once our bodies die and our soul moves on, "we" will never experience being alive again and facing the wonders and tragedies of this world. To know what it felt like to have the warm sun on your skin, or taste a delicious burger, or relax to music. So, some of us grasp onto the possibility that "we" come back, even if we don't remember ever being alive. But at least, we get to enjoy life again.

Imagine playing a game for 80 years and then you died and your only voice-, retinal-, and soul-activated controller was destroyed so badly you could never play again. Instead, you had to sit back on a couch with people who also died and just watch other players enjoy the game. And, as wonderfully comfortable as that couch may be (it's made of clouds), you know you will never play again. Will never get that joy of getting to the next stage (kissing first girlfriend, graduating college, getting married, etc) or leveling up (having sex with said girlfriend, getting a six-pack or keg, buying a maserati, etc). You can just watch, maybe give advice and look out for the people still playing. Unless you don't believe in couches, in which case, maybe you get another controller to try again. Or you don't believe in couches or controllers, and once your character dies, that's that.

But why am I talking about souls? For the last 4 weeks I have been doing a rotation in Psychiatry down at Trenton. I have been seeing patients with all manners of mental illnesses. From people who have repeatedly tried to take their own lives to someone who thought he was transforming into the Hulk. From someone so paranoid he wanted to install cameras in every room of his house to someone who thought she was sleeping with Obama. This made me realize how much we take for granted our own sanity and our connection with reality. The simple act of just seeing the world for how it is, is lost on these patients. They cannot control hearing voices or seeing things. They cannot control waking up feeling hopeless or utterly alone. They cannot go to a supermarket without paralyzing fear. They cannot maintain friendships, let alone jobs. And then, there are patients who can no longer remember who they are. They have no recollection of their past, their friends, even their name.

How scary is it to lose control over our own emotions? To lose touch with reality? To lose ourselves?

Out of those three, as a young person, I am most terrified of losing myself. Especially considering that one-fifth of people in their 80's have dementia. There's a significant chance that it can happen to any one of us. Our emotions can be fragile with depression and anxiety, but luckily there are medications and therapy that can help that. Our minds can be unhinged (even without legilimency) and that is extremely scary. It is difficult trying to live your life while truly believing the CIA is after you, or that your thoughts are being stolen from your brain. That your spouse is cheating on you, or that everyone you love has been replaced by aliens. Medications and therapy may help, and I would never wish this on anyone, but for some reason, I'm still more scared losing who I am.

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” - Oscar Wilde

We are who we are because of our experiences. Everything we have learned and done in our lives. Every memory we have, every laugh we have shared, every tear we have shed, every dream we have wished, and every choice we regret. We are given a soul, a unique and individual force, that we may (depending on who you ask) use as we wish to experience this gift of Life. Our soul is who we are and it adapts as our views on ourselves and the world changes. We enrich our souls by being kind to one another. By being active and doing good deeds. By praying and mediating, loving and laughing, forgiving and repenting, learning and creating. I believe the soul expresses itself powerfully when we create art, be it music, stories, statues, or architecture. Geoffrey Latham says "music is the vernacular of the soul" with Rabindranath Tagore adding that "music fills the infinite between souls." Henry Ward Beecher believes “every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.”

Our soul is filled with our own true possessions and that when we share them with the world through art, people are astounded. I believe that is why music is so powerful, paintings sell for millions, and books are read for thousands of years. These artists share their souls with us and we connect with them. It stirs emotions and memories inside of us. We are all different souls, but (if you believe it) all come from one source, and thus we are kindred souls. And even moreso, we are gifted with kindred spirits. The spirit is the part of us that is immortal because it is a part of God or a universal force much greater than us that has been here since the beginning, creating the universe itself. It is our connection to that force. There are universal ideals and concepts that ring true to all of us, no matter who we are or where we are because they emanate from that force, and because of our minds, we can understand and express them. And because of our kindred souls and spirits, we are connected to each other and these ideas, and to this force that is both around us and contained within us. This is why people across all the world know of love, friendship, honor, trust, and hatred. Perhaps because of this ability to connect with others, that we on a very deep level, can discover true love and soulmates.

But what happens when we can no longer share our soul? When our brain in all its neurosciencey glory fails us?

“There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” - Arnold Bennett

“Wisdom is to the soul what health is to the body” - De Saint-Real

Dementia is a disease of the brain where a person deteriorates. They lose their memories and past. They lose their cognition, their ability to think and act. They slowly break down body and mind. Most of them at first, can be completely conscious and coherent. Educated people can hide their problem longer because they can improvise and have a deep well of knowledge. They may be able to take care of themselves and do math problems, but ask them about themselves, and they are lost. Can you imagine living your life not knowing you are you? Just living, pretending things are okay because you don't know they are not, until someone asks what you had for breakfast and you can't remember. So, you fake it and answer the Big Steak Omelet from IHOP. Without a working body and mind, we can't express ourselves through thought, emotion, or action. We can't express our souls.

What happens to us? What happens to our feeling of "me?" What happens to our soul? We can say that nothing happens, because we are still alive, and we are the same person even if we don't remember it. Or maybe something happens. Our soul is given a reprieve and is allowed to move on, leaving behind a body that is just living. The person is just an empty vessel. The husband will say "She's no longer my wife. She's not there. She's just a woman, but I still love her and can't leave her." Or perhaps the soul is stuck, suffering in a body that is dying. Perhaps there is a miracle where the soul breaks through and the person has a shimmer of recognition when they see a friend's face. Or they come back for just a few moments (The Notebook) to talk with their loved ones. Or they laugh, just for a second, as the soul grasps at straws, as "laughter is the spark of the soul."

Who knows? It makes me upset that as we age, life plays a great joke on us. As we age, we gain confidence, power and wealth. We find love and build a family. We work hard for a good life. But when all is said and done, we have retired and sent the kids off to college and our ready to enjoy the fruits of our labor, our bodies and minds decay. Just when we finally had time and money to travel the world, go fishing, or get into bingo, those unfortunate are stricken with illness of the body and mind, and perhaps, hopefully not, our soul.

Maybe we can find comfort, for those who believe, that we are souls and have thus nurtured our souls with our lives, and even in the face of losing one's mind and body, we are not lost. We may no longer be able to express it at the time of our death, but hopefully it is strong enough, that when we pass onto the afterlife, our loved ones can recognize us at baggage claim before passing by the Margarita Fountains over on Cloud 5.

Or you'll find comfort that your soul comes back in a new body, and through dreams you remember, even if it's just for a moment, of who you once were.

Or you hope that you have lived a happy and fulfilled life because you don't believe in any of this nonsense, because all good things come to an end.

*if none of this makes sense, it's okay. That's why you should never expect to win a debate on the logistics of God, the soul, the spirit, free will, and His plan. Our minds are not quite there yet, probably b/c we're too preoccupied looking out for the FBI.